Now that I have your attention, I can elaborate...
My mother recently got a coffee maker as a complementary gift from the casino. She re-gifted it to me for use, figuring it would keep me up and running during those long all-nighters when cramming for an exam, or struggling to complete a term paper by morning. I left the box aside in my study, until it appeared in my periphery one day as my eyes drifted from my 'Abnormal Psychology' text. I eagerly opened the box and plopped the somewhat bulky machine on a nearby television stand, presently with no tube residing.
One cup at a time and no mess! This thing is designed for me, I thought, as I plowed through the "Quick-start Guide." How intelligent for them to include this to accompany the user's manual; after all, no one actually reads it before using a product, it's only there for troubleshooting purposes, right? I followed the procedure of cleaning the machine before its first use, and then began to brew my first cup of Timothy's brand coffee. I was so excited and it tasted great, not that I'm much of a coffee connoisseur, but it was much better than what I was used to and there was something distinctly wholesome about it; and it came with so many varieties to choose from, not to mention that the act of making the coffee was an enjoyable venture in itself. Placing the little 'K-cup' into the chamber, pressing down on the silver-coloured handle, and hitting the brew button made me feel like I had a miniature coffee shop of my own, and I soon began offering cups to all my guests, friends, and family.
I loved the machine so much that I started to read the manual, something I don't normally do unless I'm pretty much obsessed with a product! As I flipped through it, I noticed a warning label in French. Not clearly grasping the gist, I turned back to the English and discovered an electrical warning, no biggie. However, directly above this frightfully marked warning about reducing the chance of fire or electrical shock was another of a quite different nature.
"This product contains chemicals, including lead, known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm."
WTF?! Yes, that was my immediate reaction too and yes I said it aloud to myself upon reading. It almost went overlooked, so subtle that it shared the same font size as the warning of extremely hot water. Almost as if, the concept of a coffee maker causing cancer should be as ordinary to us as boiling water burning skin on contact. I had never heard of such a thing. Isn't that why they make pencils out of graphite, because lead proved to be harmful to us? Now thoroughly disturbed, I did some research on the Internet. I found that a whole influx of products from China, with similar warning labels, have made their way to Canada and the United States; although what I found is that toys and other products tend to additionally state: "Wash hands after use." That's funny, why does my coffee machine not instruct me to wash my hands after use I wonder? Hmmm, my best guess would be that it's really not all that important, seeing as I've probably already ingested harmful levels of lead and likely numerous other cancer-causing chemicals. In fact, lead is probably the least harmful of the constituents in the group; the one they're glad to throw out there, and likely the only one they are legally required to disclose. There's probably a whole cancer cocktail in my cup. Either way, most products usually have a warning label on the box, not that it makes any difference, but my Keurig Platinum B70 did not (btw: the manufacturer clearly needs to review the periodic table as per the product name).
It seems that someone, somewhere, has overlooked certain regulations preventing foreign manufacturers from attempting to kill us. I mean, I don't worry about much in this country; we have it pretty good I think you'll agree. Worrying about whether you'll drop dead after having a beverage should be the farthest thing from your mind, don't you think? Maybe terrorists have got into the coffee game and are planning to take over once we are all rendered infertile by their planted devices. Perhaps a covert, tactical invasion will take place while we are all in chemo. Damn those Al-Qaeda, it's probably them too! (For those of you who are not familiar with the concept of sarcasm, FYI: I do not think that Islamic fundamentalists are responsible for my coffee machine. Obviously not! I mean, my coffee maker was made in China so it's clearly some Asian organization if anything).
But seriously, this is probably no laughing matter. So finally, after going through all the possible stages of reaction, I think I've decided that I'll probably just continue to drink coffee from this Chinese torture device and see what happens. The way I figure it, coffee, whether made in this contraption or not, is probably going to kill me anyways. That is if pollution, the occasional cigarette, or global warming don't get to me first. Besides, Keuger makes a heck of a good cup o' joe. It must be that distinctly wholesome secret ingredient I sensed earlier; I'll give you a hint...a few scoops of atomic number 82.
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